So this is the new year!

Happy New Year's! (belated). I apologize every time, but I will do it again. It's amazing if anyone still reads this, because I have been terrible at keeping this up to date. I do believe it is a good sign though. The less time I spend on the internet, the more time I am spending doing other things, hopefully involving my community, work, or friends here I am slowly making in Honduras.

I also have less access to internet now that I have moved! Yes my friend, I have moved. I now share an apartment right off the hospital campus. Really it was an answer to prayer: it gives me my own space, liberty to cook, a great roommate, and is super duper close to the hospital. So I am thankful for the opportunity. But I now do not have the access to the internet that I had earlier. Again, it has it's benefits and disadvantages.

So since the last time I blogged: I no longer am teaching. I tried it, gave it a good shot, and just felt there were too many barriers for making it a success. Language, their level of nursing, my level of nursing, my ability to teach, difference in cultures, systems, all of the above. So I am thankful for the experience, but am also really okay with not continuing in that area. I guess God has a different purpose for me here. Since then, I have tried a new role of "supervision" during the shifts of the first and second year students. The truth of the matter is that the girls really do learn most of their technique on the floor, and sometimes because of lack of staff, lack of presence of vigilance, they sometimes do not perform the way they should be. So my purpose of being in supervision is to be a ready available presence for them when they need help, have questions, and need assistance. I also am trying to fairly evaluate their clinical performance to report to the director of nursing.

How is it going? Oh, I don't know. Truly, I never really feel like I am doing anything how they want, but without further guidance, I am doing it they way I know how, and I haven't received complaints yet. I do think it's really important for the less-skilled and less-confident girls to have someone they can readily ask (without feeling stupid). But this position also really requires a certain amount of sternness as I am in a position of leadership, and that has been a real challenge for me. I am young, I never liked the idea of making myself higher than the others. Especially when many things I do not know better than them, simply because my education is from a different system. I don't always agree with the other leaders on the floor. So I have a lot of internal struggle a lot with whether or not I have any authority at all. At times I claim it and try to instruct accordingly, and then the next second another professional nurse or doctor contradicts what I just said. It truly leaves me with questions on the efficacy of having a foreign nurse come in and try to teach or assist. Or maybe it is just a question of time. But these sorts of experience really make me lose morale sometimes. When you feel for so long that anything you really have to say is "not how they do it here," you sort of start to lose your passion for anything. I have resorted to feeling like maybe the best thing for me is "shift-work" and forget about any hopes of supporting the administration with their efforts. And it's not that I want to be "higher up," I just wanted to be used for the skills God has given me. As many folks serving abroad often wonder, "why exactly am I here, Lord? What would you have me do?" I guess I'll stick to Micah 6:8: "To live justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." So, how do I do that in my roll? That is the question I must be asking myself.

Last week, had a fellow Wellman, Iowa citizen come through Siguatepeque and visited me for the day, as he was passing through Central America. I was grateful for that visit, and really enjoyed bouncing ideas off each other, as he had lived previously in Honduras for 3 years, and had his own thoughts about Honduran culture, and what that means for missions, the Christian life, and where we go from here.

The weather is getting warmer, the green mangoes are starting to show up in the markets and on the street. Green mangoes are a typical snack where you throw in salt, spices, or hot sauce and nibble as your mouth salivates. Definitely a "oh man, this is so sour! lets do it again" sort of experience. Even better will be in a couple of months when they are ripe! so delicious.

Little by little, I feel like I am establishing friendships and relationships here. And that is such a blessing! I realized the other day I am starting to feel half-comfortable here. I know where to buy my groceries, I know who to call when I need help, I know how to get to church by myself, and my Spanish (although always a ridiculously difficult and often frustrating struggle) is indeed getting better bit by bit. All of this helps lessen the loneliness I often feel.

A note on Honduras. I am learning more and more about the financial state of the people. I am realizing just how hard it is to make any money here. You can work and work, but your money will never get you anywhere. You will never be able to have a savings. Why no savings?? Let me tell you about my good friend (I'll call her Marta to protect her identity) Marta is from a poor village where her father was a bit of drunk, and eventually her parents split up. Marta's dad died young, and her mom has health problems and can no longer work. There is just Marta and her younger sister. (lucky, how many of these same situations have families of 8 or 9??) Marta had the opportunity to go to Hospital Evangelico and study for 3 years. She now is trained to be an auxiliar nurse and can provide for herself. This is awesome, otherwise she may have found herself cleaning houses and selling tortillas the rest of her life. (This is something I like about the hospital, it targets those without opportunities to come to study and work at the hospital.) So Marta is now the only one in her family who is working. She makes around 6,000 Lempiras a month ($315). This pays her rent, she is now trying to register to get her highschool degree, since she only went to middle school before the hospital. her little sister is highschool age, so she wants to send her to school too. At one time she was part of the hospital cooperative where she could take out mini loans, but she had to take out the money she had in it when her grandma got sick. She also has to pay for the medicines her mom needs. So you see?? There is no way Marta can possibly make a savings. The second you save it, is when suddenly someone shows up sick, and what can you do but help them? They are your family.

I have often wondered about why Hondurans manage their money they way they do, more referring to those with very little wage. I could be mistaken, but this is my theory (my friend Caleb helped me think this one up, or rather shared it with me:) Money is like time for them. Whether or not you want to spend it, it ends up going away, so you might as well spend it while you have it. But it's not going to be there when you want it anyway. So money is best invested in what you buy, like, construction, b/c savings just doesn't stay around. It's a very complex subject, but these are just my musings. Culture is so complex, and it's so easy to want to think of all the answers, but you can't solve with answers when you don't understand the problems. And the problems are so complex. Until I spend like 20 years, I have very few answers for the problems of Honduras.

Well, that is all for now. Always a brief summary, a lot happens in a month and a half. But I don't want to bore with huge blogs. So, I welcome any comments, any thoughts, suggestions, and advice, or any words of encouragement as well. As always, keep praying. I need them. Every day, in my decisions, in my words, in my work, in my personal life, in my search for what is good and just living in a different country where things are just not fair.
Blessings!
-Malerie Rose